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Create # 50: My Nightmare. My Miracle

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Some of it may be quite controversial, particularly the title, so be ready to have your buttons pressed ;-)

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P.P.P.S. Comments welcome at http://tinyurl.com/25b9te

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2. FEATURE: My Nightmare. My Miracle.

This one is deep.

It's personal.

It's a bit more raw and uncensored than what I have written in the past, so you may experience some surprise.

Some of you may not resonate with the experience, and that's OK. Take what's useful, and leave what isn't.

For those of you who might wish to see me as ‘flawless' or perfect, this may be an eye-opener ;-)
I've written it partly because I'm proud of this huge personal achievement, and partly because I'm always sharing with you what I discover is possible.

Some of you may resonate with this…..and see an area in yourself where you are Holding. Contracted. Afraid to go. Afraid to ‘let go'. And perhaps this article will lend you inspiration
and strength to open up that area ;-)

This writing is for you.

__________________________________________________

My Nightmare. My Miracle.

I was floating in tropical paradise, and 24 hours away from a nervous breakdown.

5 times before in my life I hadn't slept for a couple of days, and each time I'd spun out into an anxiety cycle that took weeks or months of drugs to bring back into line. I'm talking about near panic, and often just worried about how bad the panic might get! Having just finished one of these 6 month rides after India, I was even more worried about some kind of chronic lifetime cycle I'd never break out of.

I looked around at the palm trees, sipped my virgin pina colada, and reflected on Kristina and I swimming in the ocean earlier that day – during a Puerto Rican rain storm! Life seemed so perfect.

Yet…I was exhausted. Tension cramped my belly, my throat was knotted, and the more tired I got, the greater the fear grew - and the less likely sleep was. When it got this bad in the past, I'd broken the cycle and saved myself with sleeping pills . But they just weren't working any more. Things were spinning out of control, and I was running out of options.

I narrowed it down to this: I was afraid of not sleeping, and at some deep level, I was afraid of sleeping. In short – I was f*****.

So…. I set up a phone session with my emergency ‘ coach ' in the UK, Kira Kay . Picture me in the open air lobby of a Puerto Rican resort, speaking into my laptop as bikini-ed women stroll past:

“I think you're ready David, to face this fear once and for all. Take no sleeping pills, whatever happens….after 3 days you're body will probably shut down if you don't sleep. Be willing to face anything – to risk insanity, to risk death….all your fears whatever they may be. A nd I know you can come through the other side. But you've got to WANT it more than life.”

This was one of the most horrible and terrifying things I could imagine – my lifetime Achilles heal. I had no confidence that the result would be a happy healthy David…..it could be much, much worse. And I didn't want it more than life; I like life very much!

But it seemed the entire point was to face these fears…..of nervous breakdown, insanity, and perhaps at some level….death. And again, I was running out of options as the pills just weren't working. I decided YES ; wanting freedom, but not truly believing it was possible.

DAY 1
I faced some of my worst demons that same day. Simply being with the fear and exhaustion. Kristina left to spend time with her Puerto Rican family, and I wandered the resort and beach….alone. This day I discovered I CAN be exhausted, afraid, and alone. And make it through a day. I learned I can feel horrible one minute, and have a profound beautiful experience the next.

A fight with Kristina topped off the day, triggering my deep fear of feeling/being alone and abandoned. In the middle of deep pain, and feeling a gulf between Kristina and I, I called a man who had offered to help me heal if I ever got off the long term anti-anxiety medication. I figured this was a good time to call him – as I was just about to dive back on it!

What followed was profound.

Dr. Jo showed us, over the phone, how I could access my deepest feelings, and release them as I shook and sobbed, or laughed. He showed us how Kristina could sit and hold my hand as I cried, giving me pure love and support. And how this extra attention from a human being (versus feeling the feelings alone) made all the difference.

Kristina and I sat on our quiet balcony and took in the bright stars that framed the palm trees and Caribbean ocean. With Joseph's voice in my ears from my wireless internet skype phone, and Kristina holding my hand, I released 30 year old emotion s .

I went to bed ready to face whatever came up, armed with a couple of quick tips from Joseph, and some cautious optimism.

And promptly fell flat on my face.

After 3 hours in bed, and trying a bunch of techniques, I felt I couldn't take any more. I was exhausted and afraid, and Kristina was asleep. So at 1am I decided to parachute out with 10 mg of Ambien (the maximum recommended dosage). But when I pulled on the rip cord, nothing happened! In fact, half an hour later when an elephant should be comatose, my heart was beating furiously, and I could feel the panic increasing. If the max dosage won't knock me out – what will? What's at the end of the road?

I woke up feeling like crap, and scared that there was no way out. Perhaps I'm not strong enough to handle it.

DAY 2
Joseph was surprised and grateful to find out about my ‘not sleeping' pattern, and the fear around it. He suggested that me feeling terrified and exhausted while ALONE, and while the feelings were keeping me awake, was NOT productive! That it would be better to either take my attention off the feelings until I had support, or…..set up support for the middle of the night!

Thank God! This was MUCH more attractive than what I saw as the full ‘kamikaze-go-insane' approach. So I set up phone calls around the world in case I needed hand holding at 4am. (What a group of friends I have! Friends w ho will take a call in the middle of the night, willing to listen to me shout and sob!)

The result?

At 10pm that night I drifted off to sleep – pill-free! And, while Kristina was up reading ! (I can't remember ever drifting asleep while someone was in the room, and awake!) I cannot think of anything in my life, in this universe, more valuable to me than that experience.

DAY 4
Seeing my success, and that I clearly could handle more challenge s , the universe filled the resort with screaming kids – all part of three weddings scheduled for the weekend. I was HUGELY triggered by the noise, feeling very unsafe and out of control. We nearly left the resort, but I stuck it out to see what I could learn.

If you're curious about what was driving all this – what was at the core of it…..well, it doesn't really matter. And each of us is likely to have different experiences, beliefs or fears stored. Dr. Jo pointed out that understanding was the ‘booby prize'. The important thing was to release the feelings. But here was one glimpse I got into what was really going on for me:


I felt how important control was/is for me, and in the middle of a ‘sobbing session' I heard myself say: “If I'm not in control, things get f***** up, and people die”. Wo w! Talk about releasing deep stuff!

I went to bed, in that ‘unsafe' environment…. …and slept.

DAY 6
The universe p roceed ed to the next level of challenge; the next variable ….

I had to get up at 5am for the flight back to NY. I always take a pill before a big flight (10-24 hours), or an early one, to ensure I'm well rested, and avoid feeling like crap and powerless on the plane.

Well…this night I was willing to go into it. Willing to get no sleep. Willing to feel whatever came up, and to call friends and share it.

I got 3 hours sleep, had perhaps the best sex of my life, and we got a free upgrade to first class. With a 30 min plane doze, I was ready to enjoy the movie, and we had a wonderful trip!


AT HOME

I had a melt-down when I got home alone: “My body is against me and is sabotaging my sleep – will this ever f***** be over!?”. It FELT like I was back to square one.

But….lo and behold…..magic of great magic…..the feelings passed!

And the experience reminded me that the process wasn't done, (may never fully be done) and that resisting things was not going to bring sleep faster. What a lesson!

“Out of great pain, comes great insight”


THE REST
For the next four nights I slept soundly – wonderfully.

I've now been pill-free for 6 months, through a variety of situations that would normally require a pill to sleep e.g. a weekend residential course, noise from a neighbor, speaking to 1000 people the next day.

What looked like being a lifetime cycle of anxiety and drugs, has opened into an entirely new possibility for me: being with myself, and my feelings….ALL of them. I now have the belief that I can face any feeling or experience.

Freedom!

HOW I BROKE THROUGH: 6 THINGS

1) I don't have to face the feelings alone. (In fact, if I'm alone and they are keeping me awake, there's no point in feeling them. Put it off until I have support).

2) I can delay feeling the feelings until I have support. (This let me sleep at night, knowing things would be taken care of. I don't have to be at the mercy of these feelings)

3) I can set up support for when this experience is likely to be triggered. (For me, that's night time – particularly in an unfamiliar environment, and with noise. I had 5 people around the world willing to hold my hand on the phone while I went through the experience).

4) Releasing the emotion. (I did deep work each day on the phone with Joseph, and Kristina holding my hand. I accessed my deepest fears and sobbed my heart out. Check out co-counseling; I'm now a raving fan).

5) Being willing to go there. (Having support PLUS committing to face whatever comes up. The willingness to go dissolved the resistance, which was keeping the ‘thing' in place)

6) Compassion. (I was hating that part of my body, my self, that was stopping me from sleeping. Now I talk to it; have compassion for it…for what it/I have been through in the past that is bringing it up.)

__________________________________________________

So what does this mean for you? Perhaps you would like to tell me.

Where do you have strong emotions or symptoms triggered?

Where are you controlling your life, so you don't have to feel something?

Is there a situation you are unwilling to face?

Something your partner wants to do that you won't allow?

Scared to quit your job? Scared to commit to a partner? Scared to
break up with a partner? Scared to have kids?

Do you control your sleep environment? Do you control noise around you?

Do you control your partner? Do you control other's behaviour?

What areas of life do you avoid? What has you MOST uncomfortable?

If you're willing to share, I'd love to hear your answers on the blog

Or simply post what this article brings up for you.

Remember….

You don't have to address ANY of these areas.

You don't have to address ANY of these areas.

And….

You don't have to address ANY of these areas.

You're doing just fine.

And – if you want more freedom in your life, and this article resonates
with you…..perhaps you'll be moved to take a step towards confronting

w hat's happening with you . Perhaps you'll be willing to ‘go there'.

If you do, I recommend support, support, support.

Someone you trust.

The process Dr. Jo used with me is called co-couseling, and I'm sure there are many other support structures that may help.


Love,






David Wood



3. The Personal Touch

A year ago I had declared I wanted a monogamous relationship, but it seems my karma with open relationships is not yet done. I love an amazing woman, who also dearly loves her partner of 7 years. After 10 months together, Kristina has now moved in with me, and I feel incredibly blessed to have this play mate in life. And how perfect to trigger old fears of being left! We recently held a Borange ceremony to celebrate how good things are, with our parents and close friends in attendance (Video)

I spoke to 1200 people in Los Angeles, and 1000 people in Orlando; my first speeches in 6 years! The experience and results were stunning, and I'm looking forward to more speeches! ( more ) If you know of any big motivational events (coaching, wealth building, getting clients, business) you think I should speak at, please post it on the blog below, or reach me through the support link below.

Burning Man was intense! The big achievement there was actually falling asleep surrounded by 45,000 people. Yay!

And if you haven't seen ‘ An Inconvenient Truth ', watch it. Really. There's never been anything more important to watch. You'll be hearing more from me soon on this ;-)

Love and fun,

David


P.S. Comments invited on the blog.